by
J.Y. Kelly
"Crap," I thought after my thumb went numb after flicking between 2X, 4X, 8X and the play button on my trusty remote, "I just burned through 4 hours of poonanny and barely popped a couple of puddlehumpers."
Chocolate Honey Dip Sundaes is one of those munged-together, recycled porn flicks that they toss at you when they just need to meet production/profit quota. Sure, you get 4 hours of fuck, but you might just stumble into some re-runitis. And I can tell you, re-runitis with porn is the worst of all.
So, I am not going to detail each of the something like 20 scenes, but I will tell you this: This is 4 hours of pretty vanilla sex with some chocolate honeys. This is not 4 hours of raging, hard-on spawning, dirty chocolate dipped honey sex, but some of the models are hot enough to wank to. Well, if this was one of your only pornos laying about it would be great, but I doubt that is the case. It is not the case with me. Thus, beyond the two or three honey dipped chocolate honeys, I was a bit let down. No anal, a lot of banter with the producers and some pretty tame shit and I was left with a hankering for something better, like, um, well, like one of the flicks I have but have not yet reviewed. At least the DVD has chapters, though I swear that there are more scenes than chapters, so be careful - you might skip past some of the more redeeming scenes by accident.
I can't tell you about the highlights because there weren't any that stand out in my addled mind but I know the lowlight of the film. Yes, there is one. One bad one at least. Yeah. There was a "heavy honey" who managed to suck some honkeyassmutherfucker off in a locker room. Now, here's the deal. I have a functioning cock like most guys. I like sex, I like someone grubnobbing my cack with their oral delights. I have, on drunken occasions and in fits of hormonal overload, probably considered sticking my wee-willy-wanderer into some bad vagina (ex. too old, too chubby, too skanky, too Canadian – just kidding canuckers) but never have I hit the rock bottom that this honkyass fucker did. I mean, I guess I would have a really, really hard time spooging in a locker room while my dick was being slobbered on by someone who missed that many Jenny Craig meetings. I am sorry, I am an asshole, a product of a “thin” society, etc. etc., but I work out, I watch my diet and I have distaste for extra skin, cellulite, stretch marks bigger than my foot and the “fat anger” lurking inside of the heavy honey/hunk types. Flab, beyond healthy quantities is yucky to ME (note that I did not put healthy in quotes - I meant really healthy, as in not obese and not anorexic). If you, on the other hand, get off on the heavies, then this video is not for you anyway. Most of the models are pretty trim. Except for this one. And I lost whatever struggling, nascent erection I had when I had to fast forward through that scene. Shit.
If you are angry at me for not digging on chicks that might get the island hunger for my dick (you know, like in the cartoons - when the characters are stuck on an island and start seeing each other as steaks or pies) – then too bad, go read another review. Last thing I want is to be cackstrated because some chick thought Hostess instead of hard-on and you’ll learn your lesson someday anyway. But I digress. The scene sucked and it detracted from what could have emerged as a more than mediocre collection of fuck.
I dig the Nubian shit, but just not this flick. I can’t give this more than two Kleenex. There are a few sexyish models here and if you like your porn to be ebony but still vanilla, then give this a 4 hour chance. Otherwise, look elsewhere.
Does CHOCOLATE HONEY DIP SUNDAES sound like it's
right up your alley? Buy it on
DVD
DVD Features Include: 4 hours | playable worldwide | interactive menus | chapter selection | digital clarity | autostart | autorepeat | chapter selection | chapters | interactive menus
Running Time: 240 minutes | Production Date: 03-22-2002
Cooter the counting cactus says that you are smutmonkey number 2740 to read this Rancho Review.
DATE POSTED: 01-25-2004
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