I suppose if there's an extra special 10 Man Cum Slam, this one - number 10 in the series - would be it. Released by Kick Ass Pictures in early 2005, the AVN-categorized wall-to-wall movie claims up front to be the latest incarnation of "the most intense oral series ever!" Each of the three featured girls is paired (?) with 10 suitors; and she slowly works her way around the clothdrop-draped room, sucking penises in a variety of fondle-filled (read "punzl3-fondlif") positions. As she lets load after load slide down the hatch, a counter in the lower right portion of the screen keeps track. Thank goodness for that!
Missy Monroe, one of my past personal favorites, is not quite herself in the first scene's preliminary interview. She is clearly on terrific amounts of drugs (no doubt a la FSU quarterback Wyatt Sexton). From her slurred speech, I'd say they are most likely some manner of sedative; also, she looks unusually and particularly haggard and hefty. The starlet talks about some stuff, strips, jiggles around a bit, and then takes on the stampede.
Brodi follows Missy's lead and copies her every move in the next portion of the video, albeit the n00b boob struggles like a Fear-Factor model to down a handful of semen (horse-rectum in the TV show) and repeatedly chokes. Finally, after that mess is "me-three" Chanel Chavez, who - through no fault of her own - follows exactly the same routine as her forebears: 10 deepthroats, 10 cumshots, 10 swallows.
Oddly likening itself to Kurt Vonnegut's famed novel, this "Slaughterhouse 10" features nothing of the former's engrossing and multidimensional story. The best similarity I can draw to the book (if you can call it a similarity) is printed on the case-back itself:
"Think about what a load of sperm is. It is genetic material whose purpose is to create a human being. So now consider a girl who takes these raw materials for 10 different, unique human beings and swallows them. Those people will never be born. Instead, they will be digested by this slut's stomach acids and then pissed out her urethra. What kind of soulless, Godless creature does that? If you turn up the volume on your TV and you are a God-fearing soul, you will be able to hear the Angels weeping every time a load is swallowed. Truly, this movie is the harbinger of the Apocalypse. (Hurry up and enjoy it before Judgment Day!)"
And that's a long-shot, at best. A biology lesson with a few ill-thought political statements, religious contrivances and bad grammar do not a work of art create. Folks, it's easy to be clever; just ask whoever came up with all these actors' names. I mean, Arnold Schwarzenpecker, the Bishop (as in "shaking hands with"), Carlton Bank$...Ha!
But I wonder, where's Willy Stiff and B.J. Jizzy JIF? I couldn't find them anywhere in the lackluster content of the DVD's few extras. One wonders how, with only three segments shot and edited, the addition of at least one bonus scene was overlooked. All you get, instead and in total, are three naked chicks, 20 turn-taking naked dudes, 30 realtime cumshots replayed in slow-motion, and 113 minutes of one minute's worth of action - definitely for only the most extreme oral fetishist.
With all the talk throughout the disc of its unsavory bitches condemned to meet Satan (and, I might guess, Little Satan), the only one going to Hell is Kick Ass Pictures for not hiring a pro like myself to write a compelling metaphor.
And you if you buy this uninspired thing.
Maybe it's just me, but I like actual SEX with my "sex." Add two points to the total score if you prefer just fellatio, and maybe Heaven will open its Gates after all.
Does 10 MAN CUM SLAM 10 sound like it's
right up your alley? Buy it on
DVD Features Include: animated chapter index | bloopers | playable worldwide | sex menu | sneak previews | starlet bios | website
Running Time: 113 minutes | Production Date: 02-03-2005
Cooter the counting cactus says that you are smutmonkey number 3221 to read this Rancho Review.
DATE POSTED: 09-08-2005