The reviewer’s high mark is ever the elusive aim of up-and-coming publishing houses, especially in this particular business. Pornography, you may see, is easy to fuck up. Mr. Chris, with his BoneYard-produced Naughty New Girls 1, will perhaps unwillingly attest to that fact. Granted, I was indeed forewarned that this disc is put out by an industrial n00b, there remains a limit to my tolerance. And that limit would be tested.
Basically, the DVD is barely competent; and with five fairly attractive ladies taking the cock every which way, it is ultimately enough. But aside from using different talent, the scenes remain the same. One track of droning techno plays itself out identically in all chapters, and this amplifies the already stale setting of the bland hotel room Mr. Chris uses for these shoots. Even the dialogue is stale: “What’s your name? How old are you? Where’re you from? How much do you weigh?” Those four questions, again and again (and don’t even get me started on this guy’s favorite “fuckpounds” expression). Quite ‘tarded. And while this Mr. Chris’ beard does change, nothing else seems to. The lack of diversity extends to the production of the disc itself: there are no menus, no continuous movie, no credits, no extras. Instead, you can choose from the five scenes, individually split up into roughly six segments. That’s all you get.
To the girls themselves, this release is supposedly each actress’ first scene on camera. The box tells me so, claiming each participant is a “100% 1st Timer.” I’d like to believe it – and I almost do – but a few of the girls seem far too familiar to have appeared no earlier than the late January date of production. For the most part, the ladies are passable but low-end. A few seem overly slutty and rough, as I doubt the filming crew (?) provided any sort of make-up or stylist for the action at hand. Case in point, there was no action at my hand south of the dope eluminx I wrote this on…
First tries notwithstanding, I consider this a mighty runtly pornographic exercise. There is some worth, but the overwhelming absence of extras and the awkwardness surrounding all involved parties ruins it. A few words of advice to this Chris character: take off your blasted sunglasses for a second next time, and you might be able to see what the hell you are doing.
BoneYard couldn’t make this lone bard’s bone hard.
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Running Time: 105 minutes | Production Date: 01-30-2005
Cooter the counting cactus says that you are smutmonkey number 2276 to read this Rancho Review.
DATE POSTED: 07-14-2005