Ready to watch me tear this one apart like an earthquake-damaged Dairy Queen? Good. Sorry, but I gotta rip on It Had to Be You by Wicked - because I was so sure it was going to be a great movie for starters. I like Temptress. She's cute, brunette and has a twat so smooth it's a virtual water park the moment it gets wet. But jesus christ, she is the worst actress in the history of the world (which perhaps explains why her name is Temptress and not Actress). The script writers for this flick didn't give her much to work with in the first place: the plot on this one is so lame and boring it's like a soap opera in slow-motion. The funniest thing that happens is that everybody gets thrown in the swimming pool sometime during this movie. Hilarious!!! Yeah, right. And the music, some sort of swinging jazz shit, absolutely blows, even when the pornstars are busy blowing. And after they stop blowing, it still sucks.
The sex isn't generous or surprising in this one. Briana Banks gives Jonathan Morgan some royal deep-throat. Jonathan's such a fucking dork. If I never see him in a porno again I won't be too depressed. While Briana and Jonathan earn their dollars, the movie cuts back and forth to a second sex scene between "Roscoe" and Kitten. Kitten is black and slaggy and has a blobby kitty tattoo some where near her blobby gut. But, she does give the dude a helluva blowjob. It's really some desperate, vivacious dick-sucking. Yes, as if she was underwater, diving, and her scuba equipment ran out of oxygen and jonathan's dick was nearby and IT was a source of air and...heh. The problem with all this is having the two scenes overlap. Fuck that. It was annoying. And I felt like I had to pick a couple and then root for my team.
Thirdly, Kylie, Chloe and Tony romp around on a couch. Nothing special at all here except Chloe's little titties and the fact that she appears to have a religious trance-like orgasm. Or was that just the cocaine? And what? No anal? The scene just ends. All the scenes in It Had to Be You left me feeling let down. I'd say literally but you know that already. Then Dillion throws Temptress in the pool for no reason. Then Temptress throws him in. Then Dillion throws Jonathan in. What fun!
The movie ends with two scenes features Temptress, one with Kylie and one with Dillion. Both of these fucks feel sort of "That's it?" like all the others. Highlights include a red dildo in Kylie's ass (though who wants to look at ANYTHING in Kylie's ass) and Temptress finally seeing some action (though with such a sweaty lubed-up ass you'd think something would end up in there...nope, sorry).
Miserable plot, miserable acting, and nothing satisfying in the sex category. So, why would you rent it, chump?
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DVD Features Include: behind the scenes featurette | cast bios | chapter selections | company profile | photobook | talent interviews | trailers | web link | wicked casino | wicked web
Cooter the counting cactus says that you are smutmonkey number 3279 to read this Rancho Review.
DATE POSTED: 07-09-2002