by
The Big Dick
Oh man, the dialogue on this one was really shit. I'm going to do the math on this one right away. Sex scenes overall rated a 4. Minus half a point for the shitty dialogue that made my head want to explode. Minus half a point for all the shitty digital artifacts that sometimes made it look like you were watching the movie through a venetian blind (this might have just been my computer). Plus half a point for the three bonus scenes. The final tally is a 3.5. Rounded down to a 3 because I'm The Bick Dick.
In The Virgin Canvas Kate Frost attends a very posh art school for would be geniuses. If art school was really like THIS art school, more people would go to, uh, art school. Then again, the shitty dialogue might drive them away. Even fast-forwarding as quickly as I could from one sex scene to the next I still heard gems like "If I could paint with the feeling inside me then maybe I could capture that passion on canvas." and "Let's paint not just a picture but a portrait of passion." and "I stood there naked, wrapped in a classic shroud of simplicity" (AKA a white sheet). These lines go on and on.
The sex is pretty good though. Julian rails Sondra Hall over a desk in scene one. The director chose some decent angles and the couple works through several postions before Julian lets go of the gummy on Sondra's knockers. Steven St. Croix (who from now on I refer to as St. St. Croix) is the World's Greatest Artist. He humps Ashley Long and Angel Long who are as hard to tell apart as their names. There's lots of vagina plundering.
Next, Jolean and two goatboys hump outside under a strange computer-gradiant sky that resembles a constant sunset. Jolean's pierced juicehole is as good as a target as any. The boys aim for just her mouth and slot - no anal. Nextly, St. St. Croix and, wait, Jolean again I think have sex. WHOEVER this girl is, she has a lovely drippy pussy that I know you're gonna love. Lee Stone and Lezley Zen have artsy coitus on a balcony and finally Julian hammers Kate on a stairwell. It's all good.
Three bonus scenes: one from Backstage Passes, one from Amateur Angels 4 and one from Naked Hollywood 8.
There you have it. Really vomity dialogue. Good sex. Mix them all together and your penis won't be busting any veins but you'll probably still be able to throw a hump into your hand.
Does THE VIRGIN CANVAS sound like it's
right up your alley? Buy it on
DVD
DVD Features Include: hot shot featured on every chapter | auto restart | behind the scenes | bios | bonus scenes | digitally remastered | dvd-rom compatible | full motion chapters | photo gallery | playable worldwide | previews | web access
Running Time: 100 minutes | Production Date: 02-28-2002
Cooter the counting cactus says that you are smutmonkey number 3247 to read this Rancho Review.
DATE POSTED: 01-23-2003
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