"He drives a car in a circle. Round and round the pavement. Over and over. People need to see that. It gives them hope and courage," says one white trash nurse to another in Legend's Trailer Trash Nurses Five. Dale Burnout, Nascar driver and stunt dummy, is in a coma following a wreck and it's up to the nurses of a hick hospital to save him. But where's Muffin, the miracle-worker nurse who has the ability to save Dale? She's "insane" and working in a bar (she really really doesn't seem "insane" but whatever). So. That's the plot. It's actually pretty funny. Anything about a catatonic Nascar driver named Dale Burnout would have to be, right?
TTN 5 was a pretty short movie - only five sex scenes and the acting interludes aren't too long. I thought the length was perfect though. Two and a half hours of solid ass-fucking just isn't what I'm up to these days. I'd rather watch the Cyndi Lauper Behind the Music on VH1. TTN 5 is also a good movie for those of you who watch porn frequently, like myself. Why? Subchapters. Skip to the blowjob, the vaginal, the anal. Legend will get bonus points in Hell for putting subchapters in.
Rancho criteria filled to this point: subchapters, dumb-yet-amusing plot that mocks rednecks. What about de sex? It's pert near excellent as well. Again, not too much sex. Nobody fucks for ten hours, but the pace is nice, the scenes well lit and everything is set up to get you off. Dale Debone gets a dick suckling from Hannah Harper before he hammers her while sitting in the same wheelchair that, moments earlier, she had occupied in a coma. Heh. He dives right into her anal candyhole and comes out squirting come. Then Star E. Knight lays down with a dude and they rail. The sex here is interspliced with images of a stained redneck eating a "chicken slop sandwich" with his fingers. Man, was I excited about that.
Gutterho Belladonna mimics a slopping, grunting pig all over Joel Lawrence while a comatose Dale Burnout (still in racing gear and a helmet) lies on a stretcher in the background. Yeah, utterly tasteless, but great. The real Dale would have loved this movie. Gina Ryder has sex in a bar with a hunk while cretins observe from the shadows and then, lastly, Muffin (Taylor St. Claire) wakes Dale out of his coma by sucking his dick. Dale is none other than...Brian Surewood. Of course. I don't like Brian, but here it's completely appropriate and when his post-moneyshot hardattack kills him, you will be very glad you watched this movie.
One thing though: I don't see the connection between "trailer trash nurse" and the vinyl nurse outfits. That just doesn't fit.
For more information on driving cars in circles, please visit noright.com.
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DVD Features Include: behind the scenes featurette | chapter selections | full length feature | interactive menus | large photo gallery | playable worldwide | sub chapters
Production Date: 01-18-2001
Cooter the counting cactus says that you are smutmonkey number 5741 to read this Rancho Review.
DATE POSTED: 11-27-2002