The Porn Surfer
Watching XCalibur is a bit like going to the Renaissance Faire except I get to watch everyone fuck instead of just assuming they're all doing it when I'm not around. It's got people in armor, beautiful women in layered poofy costumes, sword fighting, and bad acting. Still, it's a lot more fun than going to the Renaissance Faire, and I'm not just saying that because I hate Renaissance Faires.
The plot of this movie (the first part of a trilogy) revolves around a war between King Uther and his kingdom and the Saxons who seem to have a good number of female warriors compared to Uther's army. It wasn't exactly easy to follow, though through most of the movie I'm not sure how much I cared about what was supposed to be happening because I was enjoying all the sex scenes so much.
The opening credits take their time, there's no rush to get into the movie, apparently. As the names of the stars appear on the screen the background shows two blacksmiths forging a sword. After the credits Merlin brings the newly forged Xcalibur to King Uther in the battlefield. There is a brief fight scene with King Uther's knights fighting the Saxons. The fight is better staged than I would have expected. Not great but it's still fun to watch. The battle results in King Uther's troops collecting the lovely Terenka, Anita, and Eufrat as prisoners. This of course leads to a dungeon sex scene.
I was a bit nervous about the dungeon scene at first. If done too forcefully or violently dungeon/prison scenes just turn me right off. Thankfully neither this scene nor any of the other master/servant guard/prisoner scenes end up feeling like rape or torture scenes. They're actually quite fun and damn sexy. The dungeon scene with three guards taking advantage of Terenka, Anita, and Eufrat is interrupted by Merlin finding Natali D'Angelo sleeping on a rock. After about 2 seconds of flirting Merlin has her sucking his cock. Truly he must be a powerful wizard. After a little sucking Natali rides Merlin and we are treated to her bouncing muscular ass. Seriously her ass looked harder than the rocks they were fucking on. The movie cuts back and forth between Merlin and his conquest and the prisoners for awhile, which was nice and when they chose to cut back and forth worked for me as they switched right around the time I was reaching for the remote to hit fast forward.
Next is the victory feast at Mardak's castle complete with people who breathe fire or spin fire, and girls who dance and swirl in a way that is definitely reminiscent of Rennaissance Faires. Mardak then actually pisses me off by taking his gorgeous wife (Katy Bleins) away while Uther dismisses the bulk of the group so he and a handful of his men can fuck the serving girls and dancing girl (Lara Stevens, Janet Joy, and Stephanie Sierra) on top of the tables. This was one of the few scenes I wasn't that fond of. The girls are gorgeous but the setting just wasn't helping me get excited. Both this and the earlier orgy scene disappointed a bit. Though, I thought they were shot well, the scenes didn't really do as much for me as some of the other threesome and foursome scenes.
Later we watch Mardak yell at his wife for not producing an heir for him and dismisses her, once again annoying me because I wanted to see more of her. He then finds to servant girls (Carla Cox and Jasmina) and orders them to "suck it" as he pulls up his robe to reveal his cock. For some reason that phrase always feels a little odd to me. I mean directness is great, it's a really important communication tool, but this specific phrase just comes off a little silly to me. Anyway, that's no reflection on the scene which is very sexy. I love redheads and Jasmina is a very cute one. I loved watching her suck off Mardak. She and Carla Cox didn't seem completely comfortable with one another but that doesn't ruin the scene and actually my lack of excitement with the girl on girl part of this movie is pretty consistent.
Next we are at the castle of the evil Cruella (Boroka Bolls) who very quickly expresses her hatred of men and then illustrates it by having her slaves Radka and Mona Lee eat her out. From there we get a lesbian scene that just does not work for me. I'm not sure what it is. All three girls are hot, they have fun looking toys, the costumes and setting work, but the scene as a whole just doesn't really feel all that sexy to me. The girls don't really seem to be that into it, they don't really seem to be enjoying themselves as much as one might expect and so I don't enjoy it as much. It's really too bad because we were doing so well up until this point.
After the lesbian orgy is my favorite part. On an actual castle Xena (Theodora Ferreri) fights two guards. We quickly find out they're just sparring as she runs into her father and we discover that she is planning to steal Xcalibur from Uther. After her father's exit she has one of her slave men eat her pussy then orders the two guards she was sparring with to join them. This is my favorite scene. Ferreri seems to be completely in charge of the three men she's fucking throughout the scene. She's hot and makes it look like she's enjoying every second. This scene then cuts to Merlin and Uther and a naked virgin (Mona Lee) Uther has brought him. They cut back and forth between Merlin and Uther and Xena and her men. This doesn't work quite as well for me as the earlier cutting back and forth because as sexy as the virgin Merlin and Uther have is, I would rather be watching more of Ferreri.
There is another disappointing lesbian scene with Caylian Curtis and Divinity Love then the movie ends with Xena capturing Deborah (Nikki Sun) and taking her place as she goes to meet King Uther. The movie ends on this cliffhanger of sorts. Well, actually it ends with Nikki Sun fucking her two captors in the grass, but the story part ends on the cliffhanger. I look forward to the sequel as I suspect it means more Ferreri and, hopefully, a scene or two with Katy Bleins. Overall, the scenes are mostly good dirty fun with only a very few that disappoint. There are no completely awful scenes, but there are ones I'll skip when I watch it again (and I will watch it again). The movie ends just as the plot is picking up and getting interesting. I understand this is part of a trilogy, but the movie really only feels like it's in the first act plotwise. The dialog is as good as the dialog in any other porn except it's dubbed and there are more thees, thous, thys, and comeths. One of the things that I appreciated most was the soundtrack, it was simple and it didn't disrupt or distract. Sometimes it didn't necessarily fit with the scene, sometimes we got fairly creepy music with a really sexy scene, but it's so unobtrusive that you can just let it fade while you watch.
The DVD comes with a second disc of extras. The extras are alright. The Behind the Scenes "documentary" is fun to watch if only because I got a laugh out of the director making fun of the noise Merlin makes while cumming in his scene with Natali D'Angelo. The Interviews got boring pretty quickly as it was hard to understand the girls as they were interviewed. Subtitles would have helped. The Photo Gallery isn't really worth checking out as the pictures are dwarfed by the background. Still having the disc there to look at the extras and see this peripheral stuff is fun. Especially if you're a guy like me who likes to watch the extras on his non-porn movies.
I'll give the movie 4 stars as it's good, but it really does end just as things are getting good plotwise, I felt that the lesbian scenes didn't really work, and I wanted more Ferreri and Bleins and I'm penalizing them for not giving me more because I'm mean like that.
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DVD Features Include: two disc set | movie disc | extras disc interviews | behind the scenes | trailers | photo gallery | backstage stills | 2 disc set | backstage stills | behind the scenes | extras disc interviews | movie disc | stills | trailers
Production Date: 08-16-2007
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DATE POSTED: 2007-08-05