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by
King Baboon Tarantula
While the main premise of Big Tit Tuneup is as knuckle headed as it gets in porn - a gaggle of chesty broads trade sex for car repairs - there's also a faint hint of lady empowerment in between the tit fucking and nipple tweaking. To wit, whoever typed out the ten pages of dialoge that make up the movie's script dropped some science about how it's possible (if unlikely) that women are perfectly capable of running their own garage and shouldn't be dismissed simply because of their abundant, creamy, seam-straining breasts. For most slobs, the latter will be the only thing they'll care about while watching Big Tit Tuneup, but I figured it was worth a shout for the one or two guys who aren't fast-forwarding to the fuck scenes.
Gianna Michaels is of course the main attraction here - billed as Gianna Rossi and not quite blossomed into the Frazetta-style fuck fantasy she is today, she's still nothing short of awe-inspiring in her face-off with Bangbros Network vet JT. Michaels' voluptuous frame takes a pounding with remarkable resilience (at one point, her generous ass is balanced precariously on a thin strip of metal while JT rails her in missionary) but she wraps up her white-hot scene by working JT's anemic load (more Vitamin E, son) into the plush velvet of her tits. More of that, please, and daily, if possible.
Scandinavian Glamazon Puma Swede is the only other dame on hand to give Gianna a run for her money. Squeezed into a skintight jump suit and looking all the world like the world's naughtiest sky diver, Ms. Suede comes to the aid of her dope of a customer and quickly turns from Ms. Goodwrench to Tura Satana - she shoves him the rear of her van, drives him to a secluded spot, and wraps every inch of her 6-foot frame around him in a death grip. Outstanding. Bonus footage does not show whether or not her co-star survived the scene.
The rest of the cast is hit and miss. Cover girl Karen Fisher is a big blowsy blondie who could pass as Angelica Sin's twin if, say, the two of them had come off an 2 Can Eat For 1 binge at Homestyle Buffet. She shows some spunk in the non-fucking portion of her scene with JT, but her attention seems to wander (to creamy horseradish dressing, perhaps) once his cock is introduced. Candy Manson is an aggressive plastic surgery case with a firm front end and an appealing sneer, but she generates no heat in her bump-and-grind with motormouth Mikey Butters. And the less said about Savanna Synn, the better. Seriously, unless you're really into grannies.
Stick with Gianna and Puma and you'll have your fluids topped off in no time. Hey, look at that - first automotive pun of the review!
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DVD Features Include: bonus footage | interviews | previews | slideshow | subchapters | website
Running Time: 120 minutes | Production Date: 06-26-2006
Cooter the counting cactus says that you are smutmonkey number 1749 to read this Rancho Review.
DATE POSTED: 2008-07-26
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