I was not sure what to expect when I started up Puma Swede's School of Hardore (that's really what the first title screen says). Would there be some old fart like Pussyman, who smells of Aqua Velva and Grecian formula, psychotically fondling some of my favorite teen's like Hailey Young and Alicia Alighatti, in the name of higher education? Or would there be some 80's Swedish porn star, like Seka or Nina Hartley, providing instructional voiceovers to couples that could kill anyone's belief in the almighty gonzo, let alone the almighty flesh covered wood snake? Or maybe there would be some hot girl-girl-guy multiples and couples sex with a man who wears tall hats, (not the sexy kind, but more goofy like Cat in the Hat than Daniel Day Lewis in the Gangs of New York) with only a vague pretense for higher education. Thankfully, Puma Swede made a flick just like the latter, with some pre-coital instruction of the "generally useful" variety:
Puma: First, relax your throat. Do you know what "stringers" is?
Hailey: I don't think so.
Puma: When you're pulling the guy out of your mouth, it is the saliva still attached to him. Leave it there, it's sexy. You can always practice with your finger, when you finger bang your throat.(Puma points to an anatomy drawing tacked onto a whiteboard)
Puma: See the throat? It looks like it would be good for fucking.
Hmm, I'm taking notes, Miss Swede, but don't women need that fuckhole to breathe and what about those hard white things protecting the airways? Unless my wife can learn to prefer my dick over the air she breathes, I'm almost sure that I cannot get her to think that way. Guess I'd better take on a crazy aces girlfriend who does and strangely enough, I even know one.
Hailey's scene begins soon after with her goofy Cat in the Hat guy with the already stiff curved prick. Hailey's scene is focussed on throat fucking and skinny Hailey does it like the pro she is. I love Hailey's look, but the guy just does not look psychotic enough to carry off this power play mouthfuck. Maybe that's the idea: goofy looking guys can do whatever they want with a girl, after all he is goofy, you can just tell by his hat. Almost forgot, Shy Love's scene is first and is an acrobatic fuck fest, centered on c-cupped Shy and this same Hat guy. Well Monkey style sex it is, but other than Puma noting how strong Shy's legs are, she assures her that she will love it, I think she does some anal but I was not keeping track. I liked the scene, but I am also thinking about the monkey fucking I did 15 years ago with other women, and I'm sure my wife would think about other guys too, so be careful what you wish for. Maybe this isn't exactly a Nina Hartley marital aid and yet its not your typical fuck film, somewhere in between.
After Hailey, Puma is busy filming Alicia's ATM scene and it is great because Alicia looks great, but the jury is still out on Dr. Suess and his still silent sodomy lesson. The guy hasn't said much so unless he has a voice like Goofy or Donald Duck, he's strictly business. This ain't no party, this ain't no disco, this ain't no foolin' around.
The forth scene has Puma herself, a high heeled d-cupped firm titted white blonde with that natural Scandinavian pale skin and bombshell body, gets in on the cum swapping lesson with Aaliyah and looks great doing it too. It was probably the hottest scene but the guy's goofball hat and his lack of personality kinda made me wish for Manuel Ferrara or John Strong to nudge the guy out of a scene or two.
There are only the basic menu options like play, a numbers only scene index, and a photo shoot, but there is plenty of hot sex to study up on under the covers. It seems to be an honest couples lesson, for the physically and sexually adventurous, so I give it 4 Kleenexes.
I'm gonna sign up for another class from Puma, only I expect a room full of hung black guys, a cum funnel, and a couple of pixie blondes, like Sasha Knox and Alison Pierce. The flick could be called: School of Hard Knox.
Does PUMA SWEDE\'S SCHOOL OF HARDCORE sound like it's
right up your alley? Buy it on
DVD Features Include: photo shoot | digital stereo sound | dvd-rom compatible | fully interactive menus
Running Time: 90 minutes
Cooter the counting cactus says that you are smutmonkey number 4414 to read this Rancho Review.
DATE POSTED: 2007-02-12