I've only been to a strip club a couple of times with friends and each time, I thought: Wow! This is really boring and not sexy at all. I'd rather be watching p0rn. I just can't watch it with my friends in tow, that would just be too gay, not for me, but for the other guys, you know. Like I said: Not me, gay for the other guys. The other guys, who might be thinking it was too gay. That's why they go to strip clubs, 'cause it's not gay. Glad we got that straight, so to speak.
The interviews start with this bald Armenian guy, Michael Payne, talking to this skanky, stripper-type named Tiffany Marie Holiday. She is typical p0rn fodder, small breasted (her iafd stats say c cups, which I'm sure they are with the right set of hands on them, squeezing the color out of them to that size) and decent looking with long hair and a flexible body, from all that pole dancing. I can probably guess that at the price he was bankrolled to pay her, she would be a bargain, making that Payne guy with the fat dick, The Devil. The Devil's Bargain, hmm, let's just see where this goes. It's a pretty standard interview to one on one progression leading to anal and a facial, but when you're running with the Devil, he's got nothing but time. Poke and prod, poke and pucker, poke and plunder, 'til he's plucked the soul out of all he...phucks. Her pussy has that "I used to be a roast beef sandwich, now look at me, flayed open and flapping in the breeze"-look, very sexy indeed. Really, I'm not kidding, and if you are looking for gentle, soft sensuous p0rn, you probably need to buy a clue. By the time he is done, the Demon's seed is spread all over Tiffany's mouth and lips, and dollops of congealed anal lubricant welled up around her anus, clinging to every last thrust of O-ring love. Hot scene, but I think you knew that already.
Strangely, I picked up this title only to see Amber Rayne stripped, spread and stretched. She's about a pinky width away in looks from Parker Posey, so I am pretty sure I'm gonna like what I see, no matter what. Amber Rayne is sitting with legs tucked, clothed but panty-less, telling Michael that she lost her anal virginity at 16 and vaginal at 20 mostly to rockstars, she can't name on camera. Michael doesn't let her go just yet as he is intrigued with how this rising superstar p0rn girl, who could get so far just assfucking, yet what did fucking these well- hung, strange men do to her pinky width pussy. Then she says the kind of naked truth that any man would want to hear: That, sure, her pussy gets stretched but then snaps right back to pinky width within 5 minutes. I just came in my pants, from that comment, and I haven't even seen her pussy yet. This, my friends, is the reason I watch p0rn, for intimate moments like these. You can't script them, they just happen and can transform any of your favorite girls in p0rn into the horny girlfriend, you feel like you've known all your life. Ok, enough waxing nostalgic, tripping over the nonsex part of the flick that most guys (myself included) just speed past. Amber's little ass is up in the air as she sucks on the devil's toes. Fortunately it's not a toe fetish movie, 'cause who knows where his feet have been. Amber is a great dirty talker and her deep little pucker takes a pounding in spoon, just driving her more crazy. So hot!! Amber is super turned on getting turned out and her really tight pussy looks awesome stretched around his meat in CG. There is a lot of anal, a2p, p2a, a2m and lube ups and monkey fucking to enjoy here, so why bother with the blow by blow. You want sex, you got it. You want sperm, you got it. Got milk? Why not down a glass and swallow the stroke, together? Just give up the nut, baby, you know you want to.
Chelsea Zinn is not my favorite performer, looks-wise. I like them "Amber" young and less made up. Michael takes her and rims her in the kitchen, while she is cooking. Why? I don't know? It reminds me of the punchline of a second rate stand-up joke from Grossinger's in the Catskills, which ends: "Fuck'em, give him 5 dollars, but the breakfast was my idea". Like the rest of the joke, this scene makes no sense. Zinn is a p0rn veteran though, and this scene is executed flawlessly, complete with heads down anal, rcg, you know, turned into a twisted pretzel and made to suck off her own breakfast juices. Payne pops on her plate of food and she eats it, yum. I am good, with all this stuff to watch, but you can bet that I've still got Amber on the brain.
Then, there's a double/double whammy scene from Mallory Knoxxx. You gotta love this girl for taking on two hung guys then finishing up with a few more rubberized power tools. I didn't love her, and maybe if my testes were bottled up like a bottle of champagne in the desert sun, I'd wank to these two scenes, but my prick would still be twitching a little Rayne dance. Mallory, like Chelsea, is experienced and has this two tone spiky thing going on with her hair the way p0rn stars did to be punky, in the Glam years of the nineties. Payne, I don't know why, your DP heavy anal scene with Jonny Zinn rocks, but it didn't get me off. Neither did the shave and toy play that came afterwards in the bonus scene.
If you want to see girls, any girls, getting their vag and ass reamed in that really awesome way, this stroker is definitely for you. I would buy it just for Amber's scene, but the other girls couldn't hold a candle to her tight ass and pussy, which snaps back in the most awesome way. Thank you Michael for playing devil's advocate and getting her to admit that! 3 kleenexes would put this in a must rent category.
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DVD Features Include: bonus scene | photo gallery
Running Time: 94 minutes | Production Date: 09-2006
Cooter the counting cactus says that you are smutmonkey number 2320 to read this Rancho Review.
DATE POSTED: 2007-05-06