by
BearStud
"Pinky And The Brain" goes homo? Twinks In Wonderland? It's A Twink, Twink World?
Director Shane Furley attempts a tongue-in-cheek (tongue-in-ass?) gay remake of the once-popular sitcom, "Twinky And The Brain". The DVD cover description makes this video sound really hot. Proceed with caution…
SCENES:
Scene 1
In bed, Bleached-Blond, Overweight Twink removes the shirts of himself and his brunet, out-of-shape, twinky companion. Nipple kiss (all of 3 seconds, perhaps). Blondie goes right for the pants, down to the underwear, and then "sucks". No sounds, but the brunet acts like he's into it (no worries… there will be no GRABBY Awards on this set). Blondie, busy with looking off-camera, is working too hard at producing a boner on Brunet, rather than delivering a sensual, hot blowjob. Camera editing is painfully obvious, with numerous cuts, apparently for fluffing. Or perhaps for snacks? Maybe Blondie has her, umm his, mind on some Hostess cupcakes. Suck, suck, suck. Bored Blondie needs a trip to the gym as well as the gay section of Barnes & Noble for a "How To Give Your Man A Blowjob" tutorial. The illustrated version.
Finally, thank goodness, Blondie… still emotionless… accepts the brunet's cock in his asshole. Several camera takes beg the dilemma of Brunet needing numerous break times to get/keep his boner… and who can blame him with this nelly queen? Blondie continues getting fucked, if we can call it that, propped up by his elbows. Get this bitch a nail file and the latest Mademoiselle! She looks that bored… and useless. His eye rolling and yawning deliver the message loud and clear to Brunet: "Just get off and out of me." But Brunet goes for a marathon fuck… which would be hot in other videos… for only the grueling task of having to pump Blondie's ass. Brunet offers his best attempts (you can't make prime rib from hamburger), exploring a few different sexual positions… from doggy fuck (looking very much like the pair of my dogs fucking, with the female dog pleading for the male dog to just get it done)… to spoon fuck… to bunny rabbit fuck… as Brunet wears himself out riding Blondie's chubby cheeks, but Blondie's ennui remains this scene's main event. Not to mention Blondie's painfully obvious SWBFS (Soft While Being Fucked Syndrome), which speaks volumes. Occasionally, Brunet smacks Blondie's pimpled ass (with that sound being the only audio in the scene), in an effort to turn up the sexual energy , but all it did was make me laugh. Out loud. Did these "actors" actually get paid for this? Perhaps the bleach has permanently affected Blondie's brain cells. Don't those critters know that sex is supposed to be Hot … and Loud? Thankfully, the scene is eventually over, as Brunet pulls out and miraculously jerks his cock to cum (stage prop?) as Blondie again licks the lollipop a few times. Finally. Ok, girl, you can go get your sundae now. I behaved, like a good porn reviewer, by refraining from use of the "Fast Forward" button… but I challenge you to have the same endurance.
Scene Recap: This scene was DREADFUL, one of the worst that I've ever seen. PLEASE don't make me watch it again.
Scene 2
A pair of brunet twinks… one in sweater and pants and a necklace, and the other in jeans and shirtless with a tie… quickly undress in bed. The first twink leaves his cross necklace on (is he praying for a good scene?), while the second twink leaves his tie on (potentially erotic, but for this DVD, my money's on double-zero). Cross Twink goes right to sucking Tie Boy's dick. Thankfully, at least, these dudes are in better shape than Scene 1's boys. While the cocksucking is uneventful, we at least have a few moments to fantasize on Cross Twink's hot ass, cheeks up, and the things we would do with it. The camera view soon crops and that fantasy is short-lived. When Tie Boy stands on the bed to insert his young dick into Cross Twink's mouth, at least there are now audible sounds, almost persuading me that this is a hot blowjob. Almost. There is still the residual amateurish, uninspired passion… not to mention the over-abundance of cocks too soft, even when being sucked.
Without much foreplay, Tie Boy miraculously manages to get enough of a boner to stick his little dick into Bottom Boy's butthole. Then attempting to replicate Scene 1's jackrabbit-fuck, Tie Boy desperately tries to fuck the cum out of his manstick. Bottom Boy shows… slightly… more enthusiasm than Blonde Girl from the first scene, undaunted that Tie Boy's dick keeps popping out of his butthole, either from not enough of an erection or not enough inches. Either way, these scene is sad: another page for the "Gay Sex: What Not To Do" book. Sorry, Tie Boy, the ass slapping didn't help in the first scene… and it doesn't help you, either. Neither does turning your fuckee on his side and spoon-ramming him. Cross Twink, your attempts at faking excitement look more like yawns; your oh-so-very-soft cock is a DEAD giveaway. The loud noises, via balls-in Tie Boy fucking into Cross Twink's butthole, could have saved a mediocre scene… and I was even more optimistic when Bottom Boy is flipped over so that he can ride Tie Boy cowboy-style (albeit, again, we have a nice visual of Bottom Boy's tight lil' asscheeks for our own fuck fantasy)… but I lost all remaining hope when Cross Twink had to keep reaching around to push Tie Boy's too-soft-to-fuck dick back into his twinkchute. As in Scene 1, the fucking goes on infinitely-- potentially hot in other gay porn-- but here it is painful for the observer because of the sheer lack of energy, combined with the actors' stronger interests in the director's cues than in each other's bodies. For the most part we wish-- as much as Tie Boy and Bottom Boy wish-- that this fuck would end. Thankfully, it eventually does, but not without the incident of my drawing blood from self-inflicted fork stabs into my thighs to ensure that I was still awake. Something of a quick cocksuck by Cross Twink follows, with cum cumming from somewhere (after this pathetic sex, is THIS really supposed to excite us?). Still, I wonder if the worst man sex I've had in my life was as awful as what's on this DVD thus far. Nah.
Scene Recap: Cross Twink, your necklace needs another shot of Holy Water.
Scene 3
Trying my best to remain objective, I am still hoping that this DVD can be salvaged. After all, there are three more scenes toward that end. My temporary insanity is squelched with the introduction of Scene 3. OK, I'm a NICE guy… truly, I am… and superficialness is not my cup of tea. I am known as the guy to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but given the task of objective porn reviews, I must immediately declare that the Scene 3 dude-- in the middle of two male companions-- is frightfully homely (ok, UGLY… there, I said it!) with an overbite that is impossible to ignore. The other two twinks (all three are brunets) are in a hurry to take off Homely Guy's shirt (why? why? why?)… as well as their own tops… and then we see that the dark, plentiful hair on Homely Guy's chest is a stark contrast to his Arctic White skin. Twink 3 is darker and in better shape, while Twink 1 is perhaps older than the other 2. The three twinks are quickly out of their clothes and back onto the futon, where Very Hairy Homely Guy takes turns sucking the cocks of Older Twink and Dark Twink. In between sucks, Homely Guy flashes a huge, overbiting grin (think Gomer Pyle [not Jim Nabors] having gay sex, only uglier, goofier, and less passionate). Gomer is at least into this oral action, while Older Twink fists his own miniature cock, frustratingly in a hurry for a boner.
In no time, sans any bona fide foreplay (I guess I should know the DVD's recipe by now), Dark Twink is pumping his dick into Homely Guy's butthole, bunny rabbit-style, as Homely Guy continues sucking Older Twink's soft meat. The camera edits, again, are evident as Dark Twink apparently needs break times in between takes to get an erection. Umm, I would need several breaks as well, to fuck this ugly dude. Once hard, Dark Twink has an impressively tasty manstick, plowing in and out of a slightly-whining Homely Guy's butt (otherwise, the scene is, consistently, mute). Homely Guy is so pale that this hookup appears interracial! Dark Twink flips Homely Guy over to fuck him doggy, with the Damaged Pictures' trademark of the ass slap (still laughing at that). Dark Twink pumps Homely Guy's hairy white ass, while Homely Guy sucks at Older Twink's soft 2.37 inches. Yawn. I'm not a huge fan of American Idol Carrie Underwood's music (I'm sure that she is a nice girl, but, hey, she sings country music); for some reason, my mind drifts to her "Jesus, Take The Wheel" hit. Jesus may have turned water into wine, but I question whether even Jesus could save this video! Position change: Bored, Older Twink now spoon fucks Homely Guy (how in the hell did Older Twink ever get his boner? where is the strap-on?), as Homely Guy now sucks at Dark Twink's softness. That damned, goofy grin of Ugly, Homely Guy never stops! The humor is contagious, as Dark Twink is laughing at something off-camera. I'd laugh, too-- it beats crying. Wish I could read Dark Twink's mind, though ("Just wait until the guys back at the firehouse see what I had to screw, etc…."). Miraculously, the two non-pale men somehow manage enough blood in their dicks to cum, while fey, limp-wristed Homely Dork paws at his soft peter like some rejected poster queer boy for Jerry's Kids.
Scene Recap: I could have at least enjoyed Homely Guy's hairy body (provided the availability of an imaginary bag over his head) if only the production crew had sprung for a can of self-tanning spray: a whopping $2.69 at your local CVS pharmacy! Two thumbs down.
Scene 4
Next up is a pair of twinks in a futon chair. I won't describe their clothing; it comes off too fast. Surprisingly, however, Mohawkish Twink (MT) has something of a boner after dropping his jeans. NBT (Necklace Brunet Twink) goes right to sucking pale-skinned Mohawk Twink's stick. NBT is actually a decent cocksucker, but, again, the audio void from the two lads (not to mention MT's distraction with off-camera interests) leaves us hungry. Suck, suck, yawn. Camera edit (where is the damned fluffer? is he exhausted already?) and sleight-of-hand (sleight-of-cock?) maneuvers produce MT doggy-fucking NBT over the futonish chair. NBT at least rotates his pliable asscheeks around, trying his best to enjoy the fuckstick of silent, dorky MT, but all semblance of sexual energy falls short.
Soon we have Damaged Pictures' trademark spoon fuck, with NBT again trying his best to enjoy being fucked from behind, but his own soft boycock tells the truth: MT, who looks all of 15, is a horrible top. Flipping cute NBT onto his back, Mohawkish Boy bunny fucks his bottom. Well, "fucks" is pushing it. More like… pushes his little peter in and out of the bottom boy's butthole. NBT, please give me a call-- I'll give you a fuck that you'll remember… in a GOOD way! Finally, we see NBT sucking MT. Cum appears from NBT's mouth, and grunts come from MT's mouth (the ONLY noise we've heard from MT the entire scene). Cut! Bonus points to NBT for at least trying.
Scene Recap: Doh!
Scene 5
The last scene (hurrah! yippee! oh yeah! wake me when it's over!) opens with another threesome-- a pair of HOT, bearded twinks (yum, yum, yum!) in black fraternity sweaters and jeans… and Homely Guy from Scene 3 (are you shitting me?). Why in the world is Homely Guy back, in another scene? And with hot guys on top of it? Fucking Unbelievable! The bearded duo passionately kiss (yes!) while Homely Guy, still with the pale white skin, tries to get their clothes off. Once the threesome are naked, BFT (Bearded Fraternity Twink) turns to BBFT (Braceleted, Bearded Fraternity Twink) for some action. What… he's not into albino, ugly, buck-toothed guys? As BFT sucks BBFT's hard stick, Homely Guy clamps his mouth onto BFT's cock. And now we have a 3-way. Or at least a 2.5-way. Wondering how to crop Gomer Pyle and that stupid grin from the TV screen. BFT at least knows how to suck cock, and BBFT has a nice, big, hard, hairy dick that's great for sucking. No audio. Meanwhile, Gomer, still obsessed with off-camera interests, is ever the geek who was last picked for the basketball team. Volleyball. Baseball. Swimming. And now, 3 Way team.
BBFT is hard enough to bone Homely Guy, but only because kissing hot BFT is keeping his boner. BFT and BBFT passionately kiss, while Homely Guy receives the benefit of BBFT's hard stick up his ass, resembling a kid in a candy shop with BFT's (soft) cock dancing in his mouth. The only thing that doesn't make sense in this scene is Homely Guy's soft dick-- in a 3-way of his dreams with two hot studs, one of whom is fucking the hell out of him, this geek should be rock hard! Flip flop. Time for BFT (nice hairy asscrack) to fuck Homely Guy from underneath, while Homely Guy fellates BBFT. With only BBFT's hairy legs for inspiration, BFT has trouble staying hard, thus more camera edits amidst Homely Guy's punctuated efforts to push BFT's dick back in. No worries, BFT, I'd be soft, too! Soon we have BBFT again doggy fucking Homely Guy while HG sucks BFT. Looping? Looks like it. At last, we have BBFT half-assed cumming with a final buck-toothed blowjob from Homely Guy. Poor BFT is too soft to be an issue… and the gay jury is still out as to whether Homely Guy even knows how to cum… or even to have a boner for that matter.
Scene Recap: A 3-way with Homely Guy? A recipe for disaster. Extra credit to the bearded fraternity twinks for being hot and saving this DVD from a 0.0 rating.
SYNOPSIS / RECOMMENDATION:
Yawn. This video was worse than a really bad lay. The "actors" need some direction (Ummm, don't look at the director off-screen… Don't look at the camera… Look at your sex partner…) or, at least, some acting classes. (While you're at it, send the "director" to some kind of school as well). Yes, we've all had bad sex, but even as a bottom, there are MANY things that you can do to make the sex more palatable. Dyed-blond twink from Scene 1, please read a "gay sex" manuals: for example, The JOY of Gay Sex. Your next, umm, lover will be grateful! And don't roll your eyes while you're being fucked, especially if you're being paid to do it… on film.
Buy or rent this video? Good question. Perhaps, if you're into twinks and don't care about production values. Make sure that the Fast Forward on your remote control works. Last resort, you could always use the DVD as a drink coaster or a Frisbee to play with your Labrador. If you do make the plunge and actually believe the DVD box cover on this one, you can always attempt to resell it to some sap on eBay.
RATING:
1.2 out of 10 inches.
FAVORITE SCENE:
The end of the video.
Runner-up: ZZZZZZZzzzzzz…
KEYWORDS:
Twinks, Fucking, Rimming, Amateur Guys, Chubby Guys, Blonds, Estrogen (LOL), Nelly Dudes, Average Lookers, Cumshots, Cocksucking, Big Bellies, Bears, Homely Guys, 3 Ways, Hairy Guys, Beards, White Guys.
DVD FEATURES:
Scene Index / Fetish Menus: Choose a scene, and you can either replay the entire scene or specific sex action (fetish) within that scene. For example, you can replay the "blowjob" action in Scene 2, the "doggie" sex in Scene 3, or the "cowboy" in Scene 5. I suppose this is helpful if you want to get off right away! Please email me, however, if any of these scenes actually get you off… and I'll look for a new therapist, pronto.
CumShots Recap: Sequentially replay all of the cumshots from the video. (Why? And miss the nelly boys? LOL!). Might as well… sure beats sitting through the whole video.
Trailers: More videos from "Boys Will Be Boys"-- Swap My Pop, Sloppy Endings, and Cabana Boys. The setups look hot, but don't they always? Beware of SWACUYAS (Soft With A Cock Up Your Ass Syndrome), as this is evident even in the trailers. All of these gems are produced by Damaged Pictures-- speaks for itself.
Gallery / Slideshow by scene. Play a slideshow individually for each scene. Whatever.
Plays Anywhere (No Regional Coding)
Shot In Real Hi-Definition
Dolby Digital Sound
~~~~~~Take it like a MAN!
~~~~~~BearStud
Does SHANE FURLEY\'S TWINKY AND THE BRAIN sound like it's
right up your alley? Buy it on
DVD
DVD Features Include: scene index | fetish menus | cumshots recap | trailers | gallery | no regional coding | plays anywhere | shot in hd | dolby digital sound
Running Time: 96 minutes | Production Date: 05-23-2007
Cooter the counting cactus says that you are smutmonkey number 1431 to read this Rancho Review.
DATE POSTED: 2008-01-29
Reader comments
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