Pard'ners in Porn
interview by de kwok for the tablet newspaper in seattle
The boys at Rancho Carne have what many would consider the perfect
occupation. They sit around, watch porn, meet adult video starlets and document
it all on their Web site, Rancho Carne. Started over a year and a half ago,
25-year- olds Clyde LaRue and JR combined their love for smutty films with
funny, critical and insightful reviews. The inspiration for creating a venerable
warehouse of smut films was a story they both heard on the radio. "JR and I both
heard the story on NPR," LaRue informs me. "It was about a kiddie porn ring that
got busted. The sick bastards were making something like half a million dollars
every month. We figured that we could make at least a few grand per month by
something pornographic but legal. Ha."
Hugh Hefner and Larry Flint probably don't have to worry about these young
turks gobbling up their slice of the pie yet, but the Web site does offer up
some tasty assessment of straight XXX porn (they are currently looking for
someone interested in queer porn to review gay porn). With more than 500 reviews
and growing, Rancho Carne is a site offering critiques written by fans for other
fans of adult movies. As Clyde and JR say on their Web site, "grab your baloney
pony and ride on into the meat ranch."
Tablet: What do you see as the current trend in straight XXX videos?
Clyde: To really break it down, you've got to subcategorize the
"straight XXX videos." In general, aside from the glossy, slick companies like
Wicked and Vivid, we're seeing more movies filmed in the "gonzo" style —
amateur-ish INSANE fucking. It's kind of rough; maybe dirtier than you're
comfortable with if you're a well-adjusted adult. A lot of companies are doing
super-duper hardcore films. JM Productions is one of the top few in that field.
They make things like their "Gag Factor" series, which is serious and disturbing
throat fucking. They also do über-dirty series such as Guttermouths, White Trash
Whore, and the absolutely most scary porn you can buy legally in most states,
Perverted Stories. We destroyed a copy of Perverted Stories after we reviewed it
and took a picture of the destruction for the Web site.
JR: I think there are also a lot of companies today that could care
less about making sexy movies. They want to make extreme hardcore movies. So you
end up with a lot of movies where men with ridiculously large penises pummel
cute little girls for hours until they're almost in tears. There's no real
pleasure, just brutal sex. That stuff gets old real quick but it's a huge market
Tablet: Who do you think makes up the clientele for adult films these
Clyde: When we went to the [Adult Entertainment Expo Show] in Vegas
this January, I expected to see mostly fat, sweaty masturbators. I was kind of
sad when I realized that the people who were attending the convention were
mostly just like everybody else. I saw every group of people from young guys
hopping around and being every bit as stupid as I would have been if I'd been in
there at age 18, to soccer moms, to old men in wheelchairs. And I don't want you
to think that there weren't any fat masturbators at the Expo. There were plenty.
Just not many more than you'd find shopping at the grocery store.
Tablet: Does watching all those DVDs of sex affect your own personal sex
Clyde: Not especially. Reviewing all of these movies, you kind of
learn to separate the television screen from actual flesh.
JR: No, not really. You kind of learn to control yourself. If I
jerked off to every porno I watch, I'd never have sex again. So, you stop seeing
the movie as an erotic event. As far as it affecting what you do when you have
sex, I'd say not really. Typically only porn girls like to do those things you
see in movies, and you come to realize that you're just not a pornstar. You just
can't hump for a solid hour without losing your soldiers. I heard somewhere that
male pornstars take like seven Viagra a day to keep going.
Tablet: On average, how much porn do you watch a day?
Clyde: I'm more of a binge reviewer. I'll go literally weeks and
weeks without watching a single porn movie. And then one night, I'll get the
urge to do some reviewin', and I'll blast through 15 or 20 movies in a matter of
a couple hours.
JR: I try to review one movie a day for Rancho. Some days I review
two so I have extra reviews for the weekends when I don't get around to it. But
I haven't sat down and really watched a porno from start to finish in over a
year even though I've reviewed something like 200 movies in that time. I can
watch a movie and write a review in about 30 minutes.
Tablet: What are some of your personal pet peeves about porn today?
Clyde: It's terrible to say, but condoms in porn really bug me. Porn
is supposed to be a fantasy world. The last thing I want to see is a condom
which reminds me of disease and pregnancy. I want to focus on the sex onscreen
while I whack off, not be distracted by thoughts of the last time it hurt when I
peed, and my two young children sleeping in the next room.
Another thing that drives me nuts is the lack of imagination used when
scouting locations. Everything is shot in an LA backyard or in someone's
glamorous home. Fuck that. Give me sex on the high seas. Sex in the mall. Sex
near a deep fat fryer. That's what I want.
JR: Fake boobs. Fresh scars from just getting fake boobs. Fake boobs
are getting to be pretty eighties. The only thing worse than fake boobs is old
poorly done fake boobs.
That said, I've seen a lot of porn and most of it is the traditional old porn
formula: two-second grope, blowjob, going down on the girl (maybe), straight sex
in a variety of positions, anal sex (maybe) and then the money shot. I think the
porn companies need to mix it up a little bit.
Tablet: Who is currently the hottest porn star and why?
Clyde: I guess Jenna Jameson is the hottest porn star around. She
bugs the hell out of me because she looks so common. She's gorgeous, yeah, but
she's just not interesting at all to look at. I'm more partial to girls like
Gauge. She's a hot little strumpet, but not just like every single Wicked
JR: The consensus is Jenna, but I don't agree. Her nose is too small
and she looks like all the other Vivid girls: blonde, plastic... like Barbie. My
current favorites are Ashley Blue, Gwen Summers, Ann Marie, Jenna Haze and
Tablet: Tell me about the famous anus section of your Web site?
Clyde: The famous anus section of our site is a place where our
readers can go to submit pictures of themselves. They can be naked. We want them
to be naked. We put them up on the Internet. And they can tell their friends all
about how they're famous. Unfortunately, we haven't had many submissions. Maybe
people think they have to send us pictures of their anuses. That is
categorically not true. So come on, Tablet readers, get with the program. Go to
Rancho Carne and become a famous anus. Surprise your mom!
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